Exeter

Just spent, what I feel was a lovely few days at Jonathan's and Melissa's.  Fabulous walk, good food and party games - everything I do feels distant as if I'm not there.

Christmas

Early on Christmas morning William met up with Ed for an early morning ride to the top of Leckhampton Hill to watch the sun rise on a beautiful frosty morning.  Before setting off for the Midlands we popped down to Shurdington Church to put out some flowers for Christine - tears flowed.

We spent a restful Christmas with families. In the morning we visited Jane - we spent the afternoon and Boxing Day with Anita and John.  We are both very lucky and Christmas was difficult but lovely.  Me and William slept in the same bed - the first time in many years.  I was awake all night. Thank you all.

Cathedral

We dropped into the Cathedral to wish Chris's friends a Happy Christmas - we took the opportunity to speak to Pascal the Master Stonemason and have a look around the masons yard.  Chris used to talk very fondly about Pascal - they would speak in French to each other without colleagues knowing what they were saying.  He's a lovely guy and we discussed the small stone tribute he's going to carve in memory of Christine.

The Hobbit three

This afternoon went to see the Hobbit Three with William and Hayley - it was Imax 3D, my eyes are still getting used to the real world.

A year on

A year ago today we all said a tearful and emotionally charged farewell to Christine - what a day.  I'd not thought about it too much today and kept myself busy, but unexpectedly I heard the sound track to the Macmillan ads from 2013 and I was rocketed back to the day when we were told the results.  Just like the ad - life drains from you when you are told the terrible news and you physically and mentally sink to the ground - unable to stand, leaning on anything.

Family and friends picked us both up and kept us going - as they do now for me and William. Thank you.

A weekend by the sea.

Thursday afternoon, straight after work, I loaded the car and headed down to Cornwall to stay with Jerry and Claire.  A wonderful place to live.

Friday,  we explored Truro and sampled a cornish cream tea, afterwards we headed out to explore the coastline on the bikes. Fabulous views regardless of the slightly overcast day.

Saturday, the sun was shining with a cold nip in the air. In the morning I tried my hand at gig rowing. I joined Claire and four others to row our way around the estuary setting off from Flushing. Instruction came from a very kindly pilot, who never once shouted at me even though I clashed oars a few times.  It was great fun - I can see why gig racing has become the fastest growing sport in the south west.  In the afternoon, as the winter sun continued to shine we paddle boarded our way around the coast.   In the evening we dropped in at a local party.

Sunday, had a lovely roast at a local cafe and then headed home. I dropped in on Jonathan and Melissa and stayed the night, making an early start on Monday morning to get back for an appointment.

A lovely weekend. I'm always sad and feel lonely when I get home to an empty house after a few days away - but I try to dig deep and remember how lucky I was to have had Chris in my life and how lucky I am now to have a loving family and friends.  God bless them all.

 

Family and friends

I met a woman today whose husband has cancer and she asked me ‘I don’t know how I find the strength to do what I need to do, to support him’.   I said ‘it’s the love you feel for him that keeps you going – you find it in you – it just happens’.  Her reply ‘it’s also the love of my family and friends’

Sometimes a bolt of intense pain hits me and I shout inside my head – I don’t want to do this anymore!   It’s not that I'm saying I can’t do it, it’s just a statement of how I feel at that moment - it’s a painful fact - I don’t want to do this, but I’ve got to.   It’s just like when Christine shouted out one day ‘I didn’t ask for this, I don’t want this!’ her hurt was so great it just came out.

The love of family and friends support William, me and each other - humanity is a wonderful thing. Thank you.

Lights of Love

Jane and Richard accompanied me to the Sue Ryder rememberance service held at St Mathews Church. A beautiful service of readings, prayers, music and carols - the church was full with people who were remembering loved ones who had spent their final days in the care of Leckhampton Court.  A time to reflect, a time to be thankful, a time to be sad.

'Lights recall our loved ones dear

Names and lives remembered here'

A tough week

That was a tough week, especially the days straight after the anniversary. You slip into that grief pothole very easily - it's there ready to bite you, that melancholy feeling, the overwhelming sadness.  But you just come out of them somehow - they don't last forever, but you do have to go through them you can't bypass them - crying helps it lets go of something.

At these times you are vulnerable and you tend to think of the not so good times, things you/we may have said - harsh words in haste, thoughtless behaviour, taking someone for granted.  Christine used to say we are hard wired to recall the bad things above the good - it's our fight or flight mechanism kicking in.

Then you remember the simple things - the hours that you held hands during walks, the small acts of daily kindness - the 'I love you' smile, the years of holding somebody tightly at night or feeling their arms wrapped around you, the very fact that someone was always there for you.  These are the quiet and joyous memories that fill a life together, these in reality far outweigh the bad - but we don't always register them at the time.

I've just put up some Xmas decorations - the advent calendar William made, a couple of table top decorations we used to put out every year.

I'm on the phone to Jane at the moment and she has just reminded me of the time when Christine and myself went up to see Jane and Richard for the last time (September 2013) - as we said goodbye I asked for a group hug by the car just Richard, Jane, Christine and myself - the first and last time we ever did this.

Cycle ride

Woke up this morning to the sound of driving rain rattling the bedroom window. But undeterred, I put on my cycling clothes and joined up with a local group of cyclists - we ploughed and slid our way through thick mud and puddles for a great morning ride.

Watch the birds

On a beautiful frosty winter morning as I was looking out the window, I recalled what Christine put in a card for me when she was in Sue Ryder.  "Watch the birds for me" it said.  We'd look out the window together and watch the sparrows and starlings strip the cotoneaster on the garage roof, of all its red berries.  Until we meet again.

Memories

Just dropped William off at Bath.  During the journey back home I was thinking of all the wonderful times we had together, William, Christine and me.  Holidays in Solva and the Lakes - making sandcastles, jumping in the snow, water fights.  Chris would read to William every night before he went to sleep and I'd come up to the bedroom just before she closed the book and try and sneak up on them both - a game William called 'dad le dad'.  I'd crawl along the floor and get as close to them as possible - when I was spotted William would cry out and they'd howl with laughter.   If I didn't go upstairs he'd shout downstairs 'dad le dad' to remind me.

Oh how she loved that boy, her beloved - they had some great times together just a mum and her son, on their own, discovering new things together - stories, music, adventures.  I can see them laughing together over characters from plays and films particularly Mr Collins from Pride and Prejudice.

A year on

I woke up this morning to the stark realisation that it has been a year since our beautiful Christine slipped peacefully away.

When you hang your life off one person - the good things, the sad things, the angry things - when you share your worries, your fears, your joy, your uncertainty, your history, with that one person, and then that person is wrenched from you, there is an enormous hole in your being.

I still remember what Christine said to me and I am thankful for what I have now and feel blessed to have had Christine in my life, but I do miss her and I still cry every day.

I trampled out this heart shape in the garden one snowy evening when Chris was in the shower. When she got out I said 'look in the garden!'  I think she said something like 'oh you are silly' and gave me a kiss.

Today William and myself popped into the cathedral and lit a candle for Christine, Ronnie, Rita and dad.  I said hello to her friends at the cathedral - even though a year has passed they all miss her and yesterday they held a small service in the chapel in her memory.

In the evening Anita and John came over for supper - chicken wrapped in parma ham followed by blackberries picked by Christine.  We felt Christine was with us xxx.

 

FOD trail

William and myself took a quick spin round the FOD trails.

Snowdonia

Spent a lovely few days in Southern Snowdonia in a beautiful location near Arthog. The views from the cottage were fabulous - to the front we looked down on the Afon Mawddach estuary as it flowed into the sea at Barmouth, to the back the hills rose up into cobalt blue skies.

We were able to walk straight out of the cottage and into the hills.  The weather was fabulous. We walked the footbridge across the estuary to Barmouth with a howling wind blowing through the exposed walkway.  The nearby Cregennen lakes almost perfectly reflected the scenery around them.  Thanks Jane and Richard.

Malvern walk

On a cold winter morning I scraped the ice off the car and drove over to Malvern to meet up with Dale for a walk. My first walk for ages and I managed to get to the top where the cold wind was howling - lovely.   In the evening I went to see 'The Imitation Game' - a fantastic film.

Cranham cycle

This morning I met up with half a dozen chaps from the local area, for a fabulous mountain bike ride through Cranham Woods.  They were very friendly and invited me to join their informal cycle group. Two and half hours cycling and one hour cleaning my bike and washing dirty clothes - I'm worn out.  Thanks Jerry for the contact.

J and R

Jane and Richard popped in to see me today which was lovely.  Made my signature dish - Cottage Pie.

War Horse

I've just watched the film 'War Horse'.  It reminds me that Chris and myself had tickets for the stage play of War Horse and we were going to see it with Anita and John last year.  It's something we'd wanted to see for ages and we'd planned it months before Chris had the diagnosis, but sadly Chris was just to ill to go.   I'd like to think I will get to see it sometime.

Mud plugging

I spent a lovely weekend at Andy and Sabine’s.  We went for a great cycle ride on Saturday, taking in muddy fields, farm tracks and country lanes - a three and half hour mud plugging extravaganza.  Now that I’m home the washing machine is earning its keep.  On Sunday, after a full english breakfast on a barge, we went for a gentle walk.  It was great to catch up again, and it was especially nice to see Ben – a fine chap he’s grown up to become. 

When I’ve had an enjoyable break I never know when to write the blog.  If I do it as soon as I get home it would be clouded by sadness - the drive home and opening the door on an empty house are painful, and for a while the grief is acute – the person I’d share my joy and pain with has gone. 

If I wait and give myself time to reflect, and let the acute pain subside, a sort of calm grief replaces it, a grief that’s bearable, a grief that allows life in - they run hand in hand with each other.  I can then think more clearly and remember what a lovely weekend it was.   It had joy, laughter and at times sadness.

All things will pass

While shopping today I bumped into someone who'd sadly just lost their husband - I saw in her, myself ten months ago.  The moment I lost Christine I couldn’t sleep, I was scared and nothing made sense - people, places, even memories.  I needed help and thankfully I asked for it.

You initially just carry on with life, you shop, you wash - you do these things automatically, a bit like muscle memory.  You never forget how to ride a bike – you’ve done it so often you don’t need to engage with it.

As the months pass, you fight and search for some normality but living is hard without that person by your side. As you lie awake in the 'small hours' of the morning or when you’re driving, the memories of those desperate days of last year flood in. 

But friends and family reach out for you, they lift you up and breathe life into you – they show you that there is still beauty and joy to be found in your life.  It’s not just the living who reach for you - it’s Christine, it’s something else. 

You begin to realise that you can do this, and that you don't want to vegetate in desperate sadness.  How would giving up honour Christine – how can you remember that person with joy and gratitude, how can you appreciate what you have if you are bitter and sad all the time.

The potholes of grief still open up and I walk into them.  But there is a realisation that the bad days don’t last forever and the sun will rise tomorrow on a new day and ‘All things will pass'.

Wedding anniversary

Today reminds me of the length of time I haven't seen Christine - we'd normally be very quiet on our anniversary and send each other a card and do something over the weekend.  As the weeks and months pass the pain becomes more pronounced but so do the memories of the lovely times we had - they seem to bounce off each other.

An event today highlighted how lucky I was and how lucky I am - some peoples lives are just so hard and barren of human contact.

The Midlands

I spent a lovely Thursday and Friday at Jane and Richard's - on Thursday evening I found time to pop over to Sedgley to see Dale.  Over the weekend I was able to see mum a great deal which was lovely - it also gave us time to sort out mum's car and luckily Jonathan was able to drive it down to Cheltenham on Sunday (Jonathan and Melissa came up on Saturday)

On Saturday I stopped at Anita and Johns. We had a lovely curry in The Lye and talked about our shared lives with Christine all night long. As Anita said we were lucky to have had Christine's love for us in our lives and privileged to be able love her back.  Loving was something Christine did with all her soul, she found it easy, she was never bashful about it - it was who she was, it defined her.  I miss her love and feel wounded.

It's a difficult time for us all.  A year ago my world, William's world and the world for all who loved Christine was unravelling on a daily basis and it's hard not to remember this and to not feel scared and lost as the anniversary of Christine's death gets closer.

It would be our wedding anniversary next week and the run up to remembrance Sunday always reminded us of this - when we got married Sedgley church was decked out with flowers in readiness for remembrance day.

I'm looking forward to going back to work next week and on Wednesday evening I'm going to look around the Playhouse with a view to volunteering there - not acting but helping back stage.  Let's see how it goes.  On a different note when I got back home a seventh mouse had been caught in the trap!