A tough week

That was a tough week, especially the days straight after the anniversary. You slip into that grief pothole very easily - it's there ready to bite you, that melancholy feeling, the overwhelming sadness.  But you just come out of them somehow - they don't last forever, but you do have to go through them you can't bypass them - crying helps it lets go of something.

At these times you are vulnerable and you tend to think of the not so good times, things you/we may have said - harsh words in haste, thoughtless behaviour, taking someone for granted.  Christine used to say we are hard wired to recall the bad things above the good - it's our fight or flight mechanism kicking in.

Then you remember the simple things - the hours that you held hands during walks, the small acts of daily kindness - the 'I love you' smile, the years of holding somebody tightly at night or feeling their arms wrapped around you, the very fact that someone was always there for you.  These are the quiet and joyous memories that fill a life together, these in reality far outweigh the bad - but we don't always register them at the time.

I've just put up some Xmas decorations - the advent calendar William made, a couple of table top decorations we used to put out every year.

I'm on the phone to Jane at the moment and she has just reminded me of the time when Christine and myself went up to see Jane and Richard for the last time (September 2013) - as we said goodbye I asked for a group hug by the car just Richard, Jane, Christine and myself - the first and last time we ever did this.