Snowdonia

Spent a lovely few days in Southern Snowdonia in a beautiful location near Arthog. The views from the cottage were fabulous - to the front we looked down on the Afon Mawddach estuary as it flowed into the sea at Barmouth, to the back the hills rose up into cobalt blue skies.

We were able to walk straight out of the cottage and into the hills.  The weather was fabulous. We walked the footbridge across the estuary to Barmouth with a howling wind blowing through the exposed walkway.  The nearby Cregennen lakes almost perfectly reflected the scenery around them.  Thanks Jane and Richard.

Malvern walk

On a cold winter morning I scraped the ice off the car and drove over to Malvern to meet up with Dale for a walk. My first walk for ages and I managed to get to the top where the cold wind was howling - lovely.   In the evening I went to see 'The Imitation Game' - a fantastic film.

Cranham cycle

This morning I met up with half a dozen chaps from the local area, for a fabulous mountain bike ride through Cranham Woods.  They were very friendly and invited me to join their informal cycle group. Two and half hours cycling and one hour cleaning my bike and washing dirty clothes - I'm worn out.  Thanks Jerry for the contact.

J and R

Jane and Richard popped in to see me today which was lovely.  Made my signature dish - Cottage Pie.

War Horse

I've just watched the film 'War Horse'.  It reminds me that Chris and myself had tickets for the stage play of War Horse and we were going to see it with Anita and John last year.  It's something we'd wanted to see for ages and we'd planned it months before Chris had the diagnosis, but sadly Chris was just to ill to go.   I'd like to think I will get to see it sometime.

Mud plugging

I spent a lovely weekend at Andy and Sabine’s.  We went for a great cycle ride on Saturday, taking in muddy fields, farm tracks and country lanes - a three and half hour mud plugging extravaganza.  Now that I’m home the washing machine is earning its keep.  On Sunday, after a full english breakfast on a barge, we went for a gentle walk.  It was great to catch up again, and it was especially nice to see Ben – a fine chap he’s grown up to become. 

When I’ve had an enjoyable break I never know when to write the blog.  If I do it as soon as I get home it would be clouded by sadness - the drive home and opening the door on an empty house are painful, and for a while the grief is acute – the person I’d share my joy and pain with has gone. 

If I wait and give myself time to reflect, and let the acute pain subside, a sort of calm grief replaces it, a grief that’s bearable, a grief that allows life in - they run hand in hand with each other.  I can then think more clearly and remember what a lovely weekend it was.   It had joy, laughter and at times sadness.

All things will pass

While shopping today I bumped into someone who'd sadly just lost their husband - I saw in her, myself ten months ago.  The moment I lost Christine I couldn’t sleep, I was scared and nothing made sense - people, places, even memories.  I needed help and thankfully I asked for it.

You initially just carry on with life, you shop, you wash - you do these things automatically, a bit like muscle memory.  You never forget how to ride a bike – you’ve done it so often you don’t need to engage with it.

As the months pass, you fight and search for some normality but living is hard without that person by your side. As you lie awake in the 'small hours' of the morning or when you’re driving, the memories of those desperate days of last year flood in. 

But friends and family reach out for you, they lift you up and breathe life into you – they show you that there is still beauty and joy to be found in your life.  It’s not just the living who reach for you - it’s Christine, it’s something else. 

You begin to realise that you can do this, and that you don't want to vegetate in desperate sadness.  How would giving up honour Christine – how can you remember that person with joy and gratitude, how can you appreciate what you have if you are bitter and sad all the time.

The potholes of grief still open up and I walk into them.  But there is a realisation that the bad days don’t last forever and the sun will rise tomorrow on a new day and ‘All things will pass'.

Wedding anniversary

Today reminds me of the length of time I haven't seen Christine - we'd normally be very quiet on our anniversary and send each other a card and do something over the weekend.  As the weeks and months pass the pain becomes more pronounced but so do the memories of the lovely times we had - they seem to bounce off each other.

An event today highlighted how lucky I was and how lucky I am - some peoples lives are just so hard and barren of human contact.

The Midlands

I spent a lovely Thursday and Friday at Jane and Richard's - on Thursday evening I found time to pop over to Sedgley to see Dale.  Over the weekend I was able to see mum a great deal which was lovely - it also gave us time to sort out mum's car and luckily Jonathan was able to drive it down to Cheltenham on Sunday (Jonathan and Melissa came up on Saturday)

On Saturday I stopped at Anita and Johns. We had a lovely curry in The Lye and talked about our shared lives with Christine all night long. As Anita said we were lucky to have had Christine's love for us in our lives and privileged to be able love her back.  Loving was something Christine did with all her soul, she found it easy, she was never bashful about it - it was who she was, it defined her.  I miss her love and feel wounded.

It's a difficult time for us all.  A year ago my world, William's world and the world for all who loved Christine was unravelling on a daily basis and it's hard not to remember this and to not feel scared and lost as the anniversary of Christine's death gets closer.

It would be our wedding anniversary next week and the run up to remembrance Sunday always reminded us of this - when we got married Sedgley church was decked out with flowers in readiness for remembrance day.

I'm looking forward to going back to work next week and on Wednesday evening I'm going to look around the Playhouse with a view to volunteering there - not acting but helping back stage.  Let's see how it goes.  On a different note when I got back home a seventh mouse had been caught in the trap!

A lifetime of memories

It's All Souls Day today and as Sunday afternoon approaches I think of the good things in my life; my lovely boy, who is home for the weekend (we went to the cinema last night to see Fury), the love of families, Anita and John came down for Saturday afternoon (which was great), Jane rings me all the time (she always knows when I'm a bit low - it's a twin thing), the kindness of friends and lovely memories of Christine (how lucky was I to meet her).

We went to the 'All souls' service at Shurdington Church in the afternoon - it was lovely to have William by my side as we remembered our beautiful Christine.

But...what would I give, to hear her say "oh no what have you done know'...what would I give, to put my arms around her tiny waist and hold her beautiful hands when I come home from work...what would I give, for that kiss as she leaves for work...what would I give to feel that frustration as she digs her heels in about something (she had a stubborn streak)...what would I give, to do all the things we took for granted just one more time?

How lucky was I to have had all of these and more - as Christine said to me at Sue Ryder 'A lifetime of memories'.  It was certainly full, rich, and had its ups and downs.