The Lakes

On Tuesday we went up to the Lake District for a couple of days. Managed a few walks which was exhausting.  Came back on Thursday as I was fretting about the driving and wanted to get that worry over.  It was a worth while trip as it's always good to do something with my lovely boy William, he's a wonderfully understanding lad who didn't question cutting the break short.  Sleep is a problem.

Ade and Bron

Bron and Ade came down for the day - which was lovely. We went for a very damp walk around Cowley. Bron made a tasty stew for tea. We chewed the fat for the day - talking about old times. Thanks Ade for being so patient.

Morning

Spoke to Bron last night - she reminded me of how well I'd done to get this far.  Thank you.

Went for a walk this afternoon over Leckhampton Hill - it was blowing a gale. Half way through the walk Loz rang and I joined her for a walk with the dogs. Had a hot chocolate at at The Royal George.

Chris is never far from my thoughts and at times I feel I'm not good company as I'm in a bit of a dream, tossing and turning things.

Spoke to Nick's Jane on the phone - really nice. I need people to support me and encourage me in a gentle way to do things - small things. Thanks everyone for your love.

Jane and Richard

William left on the train for his last exam in the morning. Jane and Richard came down for the day,  which was great - always good to see them.  We went to Gloucester Docks for the afternoon, trawled through the Antique Centre and explored the docks.  Jane discovered the joys of doing a jigsaw and got stuck into the puzzle I am working through at the moment. Tim you've got to keep positive about the future.

Sleep

Last night tried to get to sleep using a relaxion tape. Nodded off and woke at 14.00 in the morning with my mind racing.  Took half a sleeping tablet as I was desperate to sleep - it worked woke up with jolt at 8.30 stayed resting till 9.30.  Its a battle between a mind racing and desperately needing some rest.

Morning

Getting up in the morning after a poor nights sleep is hard - the urge is to stay in bed and stay in the half dream world.  The house is quiet no conversation. Have a wash eat breakfast and then a wave of tiredness takes over and I need to close my eyes for half an hour - nothing you can do it just overwhelms you.

The house no longer seems to be a home - not many people visit.  All the memories are Chris and William. Times before Chris was ill, times when I looked after Chris at home - rushing around getting up when I was tired.  Times when Chris was in Sue Ryder and I only came back home to have a wash and a brief nights sleeps. Life has suddenly stopped and has been replaced with tiredness, sadness, loneliness and an emptiness that I try and fill with visiting people.

I try to stay positive and do things - it's hard to find things to do. I love going up to the Midlands to see the Gatehouses and visit Jane.  Without them I'd be lost - thank you.

I'm meeting someone this afternoon to talk about going back to work.

The weekend

On Saturday I managed an hours ride on my bike in the morning - absolutely exhausting as I'm not sleeping very well. Crying takes it out of you.  In the afternoon I popped up to see Anita and John and went to see American Hustle with them - thank you Anita and John and I hope you don't get fed up of me coming up.  I spent the night at Jane's which was lovely.

Today (Sunday) I found it really hard coming back to an empty house - got myself a table lamp for the bedroom so I can make the room a bit darker before I go to bed.  In the afternoon I was getting increasingly low and sad - no energy but managed a short walk.  I decided I needed to get out in the evening and be with caring people so I had the urge to go to Trinity Church. Trinity is where Luke plays drums.

It was very uplifting - I cried a lot but everyone was very kind. Luke came and sat with me.  I felt that it was the right place to be - I felt part of something loving and caring, something bigger than me. When I came out I didn't feel as alone as I have been.

First day

Waking up this morning - as normal this is really hard. Getting out of bed to an empty house and world doesn't seem right.   It's a new world for me, a scary world, with no fixed points any more. The compass I had has gone.  Tiredness washes over you - I'm struggling to sleep at night - my mind just races away.   I listened to a relaxation tape before going to bed last night - it helped. I'll try again tonight.  I really don't want to take sleeping tablets.

Went for lunch at Gloucester Docks with Elaine an ex work colleague - lovely to see her. In the afternoon I walked the dogs with Loz.  I'm shattered.

Bath again

Took William to Bath today for his second exam.  He'll be staying until Monday - let's see how it goes.
Going into an empty house for the first since loosing Christine was very hard - it's empty of people and sounds, this is when you realise how hard it is. I'm lonely and also have an overwhelming desire to see Christine again. Although I know this can't happen. Grief is natural they say.

Bath

I took William to Bath today for his first exam.  While I waited for him I went round the Holborne Museum a place that me and Chris had been to a number of times before.   It's hard to walk around somewhere on your own when you have been used to sharing the experience with someone else. A few tears in the park as I walked in the gardens.

A walk in the rain

Another of our daily walks over Leckhampton - cold and drizzling all the time.  Things change once the collective grief of the funeral has gone and you are left to cry on your own. Doing something positive everyday helps to push the feelings aside for a while. But what you really want is a moment when you can sit with your mind in peace - not tossing and turning 'looping' the same thoughts. I used to take moments of peace for granted - sitting with my feet up thinking of nothing but knowing that someone else was around in the house or nearby.

Luke, Will and Tim

11/1/2014 A morning walk over Leckhampton with Luke and William on a beautiful sunny winter afternoon.  Thoughts of Chris fill my head - things we should have done - why didn't we do them? Thoughts of why did I say and do some things that I now can't put right.  Why did it happen? Why was it so hard for her in the last nine months? Was she happy? Why did she say that?  Grief takes overwhelms you.  Walking and getting out helps - being with our boy really helps.

In the afternoon I popped up to see Anita and John. We trawled through the Probate paperwork together - a painful process that has to be done.  Thanks Anita.  A late afternoon walk with John and the dogs.

10/1/2014
Went to Loz's last night for tea with D&L. It was lovely to see them all, their kindness supports me.  We all talked together about the sadness and confusion that grief brings - D&L understand as they have their own pain. Loz was the supportive friend Chris needed during her journey.

Cleeve Common walk

Dale an old school friend from the Midlands joined William and myself for a good old walk over Cleeve Common.  A day of mixed feelings - we chewed the fat and remembered school days.  I thought about Christine a lot as she loved Cleeve Common. We sat on the bench that Chris and myself rested on during a walk on my 53rd birthday two yeas ago - a happy day.

The weather was mixed, at times it was dark heavy skies and then bright blue skies.  The first time over Cleeve for Dale - a perfect day as we could see all the way to the Severn Bridge at Chepstow. The flooding in the Severn Vale could clearly be seen.  A stop for cake at the topography point on top.

8/1/2014 We went for a walk over Painswick Beacon and took a photo by the quarry. The last time we were there was with Christine for William's birthday lunch and walk in February 2013.

Jan 2014

Feb 2013

Leckhampton Walk

In the morning sorted through family paperwork for the Probate.  Collating files - all laid on the floor, incredibly painful.  I cried all the time as each page, file, document reminded me of Chris, it's hard when you have to start separating yourself from someone - changing joint accounts etc.

In the afternoon I went for a walk with Will across Leckhampton Hill - I'm trying to do things as it's very easy to slip into desperation.

Lunch at Nick and Jane's

Will and myself spent a relaxing afternoon at good buddy Nick's home and enjoyed a lovely Sunday roast - thank you Jane.  We exchanged the small portraits we did when Christine and myself visited Nick and Jane in October last year. Two poignant pictures.  Life is hard without her.

Walks

Leckhampton Hill walks x 2.  In the morning William and myself went for a walk over Leckhampton Hill following the cycle trail.  In the afternoon the Kidderminster Turton's came over we all went for a walk over Leckhampton. Thanks Jane for cooking a great stew for tea.  A lovely afternoon.

River Wye in flood

William joined me for a drive to the River Wye. The river at the Yat was running very fast and very high smothering the rapids with yellow ochre water.