New Years Eve

After finishing work early I went out for a quick blast on the bike with William - mud everywhere but great fun in a surreal way.  In the evening we took it quietly -watched the Monuments Men and went to bed early. Sadness is always with me.

2014 has been a hard, hard year.  I never imagined that you could feel so much pain and yet survive.  I've felt desperately sad, confused, had uncontrollable tears, low mood (maybe depressed even?), I've felt guilty, fearful and found joy.  At times it was like living in a dream, numb to everything.  Grief has ebbed and flowed, gone up and down - I've been in it, never knowing where it will take me.

But, a few weeks ago I realised I hadn't cried that day, the tears slowly stop and life comes in.  I am crying a wee bit as I write this and think of what we've all been through - a painful journey in different ways for all of us.

But I do believe that I can make the transition to a new me and create a happy and peaceful life, not necessarily the life I had before - it's an adventure of sorts.  My life with Christine and the experience of loosing her are entwined in my psyche and they will be part of the new me.  I'm sure there'll be potholes on the way - but as Chris said 'I want you to find happiness'.

Thank you - William, families and friends x

Exeter

Just spent, what I feel was a lovely few days at Jonathan's and Melissa's.  Fabulous walk, good food and party games - everything I do feels distant as if I'm not there.

Christmas

Early on Christmas morning William met up with Ed for an early morning ride to the top of Leckhampton Hill to watch the sun rise on a beautiful frosty morning.  Before setting off for the Midlands we popped down to Shurdington Church to put out some flowers for Christine - tears flowed.

We spent a restful Christmas with families. In the morning we visited Jane - we spent the afternoon and Boxing Day with Anita and John.  We are both very lucky and Christmas was difficult but lovely.  Me and William slept in the same bed - the first time in many years.  I was awake all night. Thank you all.

Cathedral

We dropped into the Cathedral to wish Chris's friends a Happy Christmas - we took the opportunity to speak to Pascal the Master Stonemason and have a look around the masons yard.  Chris used to talk very fondly about Pascal - they would speak in French to each other without colleagues knowing what they were saying.  He's a lovely guy and we discussed the small stone tribute he's going to carve in memory of Christine.

The Hobbit three

This afternoon went to see the Hobbit Three with William and Hayley - it was Imax 3D, my eyes are still getting used to the real world.

A year on

A year ago today we all said a tearful and emotionally charged farewell to Christine - what a day.  I'd not thought about it too much today and kept myself busy, but unexpectedly I heard the sound track to the Macmillan ads from 2013 and I was rocketed back to the day when we were told the results.  Just like the ad - life drains from you when you are told the terrible news and you physically and mentally sink to the ground - unable to stand, leaning on anything.

Family and friends picked us both up and kept us going - as they do now for me and William. Thank you.

A weekend by the sea.

Thursday afternoon, straight after work, I loaded the car and headed down to Cornwall to stay with Jerry and Claire.  A wonderful place to live.

Friday,  we explored Truro and sampled a cornish cream tea, afterwards we headed out to explore the coastline on the bikes. Fabulous views regardless of the slightly overcast day.

Saturday, the sun was shining with a cold nip in the air. In the morning I tried my hand at gig rowing. I joined Claire and four others to row our way around the estuary setting off from Flushing. Instruction came from a very kindly pilot, who never once shouted at me even though I clashed oars a few times.  It was great fun - I can see why gig racing has become the fastest growing sport in the south west.  In the afternoon, as the winter sun continued to shine we paddle boarded our way around the coast.   In the evening we dropped in at a local party.

Sunday, had a lovely roast at a local cafe and then headed home. I dropped in on Jonathan and Melissa and stayed the night, making an early start on Monday morning to get back for an appointment.

A lovely weekend. I'm always sad and feel lonely when I get home to an empty house after a few days away - but I try to dig deep and remember how lucky I was to have had Chris in my life and how lucky I am now to have a loving family and friends.  God bless them all.