After finishing work early I went out for a quick blast on the bike with William - mud everywhere but great fun in a surreal way. In the evening we took it quietly -watched the Monuments Men and went to bed early. Sadness is always with me.
2014 has been a hard, hard year. I never imagined that you could feel so much pain and yet survive. I've felt desperately sad, confused, had uncontrollable tears, low mood (maybe depressed even?), I've felt guilty, fearful and found joy. At times it was like living in a dream, numb to everything. Grief has ebbed and flowed, gone up and down - I've been in it, never knowing where it will take me.
But, a few weeks ago I realised I hadn't cried that day, the tears slowly stop and life comes in. I am crying a wee bit as I write this and think of what we've all been through - a painful journey in different ways for all of us.
But I do believe that I can make the transition to a new me and create a happy and peaceful life, not necessarily the life I had before - it's an adventure of sorts. My life with Christine and the experience of loosing her are entwined in my psyche and they will be part of the new me. I'm sure there'll be potholes on the way - but as Chris said 'I want you to find happiness'.
Thank you - William, families and friends x
